Happy Birthday

Yesterday there was a birthday. On the b-day person's desk, I couldn't help but see the long-stemmed yellow roses and another another bouquet, the cards, the cupcakes, and of course the balloons. My initial feeling was one of pain-filled longing followed by envy. Enter the "Victim" ...I caught myself identifying with my feeling. I found myself thinking about how lucky she is and how un-lucky i am and how i should be the one valued and how much i try and help - grosssss! Recovery calls this stinkin' thinkin' and it smells to high heaven!

In other words my pain body was identifying with my ego and it became a circle-jerk with endless directions, all of them negative, downward and guaranteed to be self-destructive.

Then the strangest thing happened. I took out my bookmark i made from A New Earth and read it -

THE PROCESS

• FOCUS ATTENTION on the feeling inside you.
• KNOW it is the Pain-Body.
• ACCEPT it is there
• DON’T THINK ABOUT IT—don’t let the feeling turn into thinking.
• DON’T JUDGE or ANALYZE.
• DON’T IDENTIFY with it
• STAY PRESENT & CONTINUE TO BE THE OBSERVER of what is happening inside of you.
• BECOME AWARE not only of the emotional pain but also BE AWARE of the one who observes – the silent watcher.

THIS IS THE POWER OF THE NOW.

Along with applying the above, i added something just as powerful - i wished the b-day person...ok, this has to be a girl, right - i mean do you give a guy long-stemmed roses?? I don't think so!...blessings all day long. I actually wrote an email saying happy b-day and wishing them well. OMG - this is growth to the extreme!!! I couldn't have done this 3 months ago.

IT'S TRUE - it doesn't really matter whether or not i mean it, i mean that i want to mean it. I mean that i'm a good person and i want JOY (my fav word!) for everyone - why? Because what i put out 'there' comes back to me!! Yes - IT'S TRUE.

RESULTS:

Surprise - a vendor brought in big, huge, decadently delicious cookies and i got to pick the first one ((^_^))

My attitude all day was light and happy. Wow!

I connected with everyone with a lightness and joy that was evident.

THIS IS LIVING IN THE PRESENT...and i'm loving it!

As The World Turns...

I am passionate about my job - i love interacting with people, answering phones, providing customer service, networking, connecting, helping...it's who i am.

I also love how it affords me constant and frequent opportunities to practice the tools laid out by Eckhart Tolle. Ah...you're thinking, this blogging's going to turn into a promotion of Tolle and/or his books, principles, etc. NO! I'm not promoting anyone or anything...simply sharing what's brought sanity into my crazy world and today, what works for me.

My job's a challenge. Not that the actual responsibilities are that difficult - they aren't and they can be mastered by nearly anyone with a little intelligence and a HS degree or equivalent thereof. That's not the challenging part. The real hurdle is working for and with (fill in the blanks here.) This is GOOD. This is very GOOD.

A little history...b/c i'm stubborn and come from IMHO, a typical '50s dysfunctional family (yeh, sorry guys, you know i love you and mom - God rest your soul - still it was very narcissistic, accompanied with depressiona and mental illness...NOT the best background enviornment to raise a family) I have some baggage that needs discarding. How though??

There is a plethora of theories - and i've spent 21 years trying several of them only to have spent a LOT of time, effort & gobs of money with the same core issues still hanging in there. YUCK! How discouraging...but wait!!!

So much of my blogging may be about and around my job...but it's not about my job, that's just the arena that contains this circus.

It will also be about my family - my passion above all else. And most definitely ... it will certainly be about life in all it's facets!

Please comment - i will read each and every one and cherish your feedback. Otherwise, it's like i'm talking to myself...and i already do that, lol.

A NEW EARTH by Eckhart Tolle

A long-time dear and trusted friend honestly replied with profound feedback that 's taken several weeks to digest, reflect upon and now put into action.

Her share:
"You also need more toile (sic) and perhaps you can get a copy of the handbook of higher consciousness by ken keyes. There is someone on the radio that espouses what he has said………………… but you are really into your own ego and not seeing “her” in a loving fashion….or she wouldn’t be so defensive. .good luck to you ... x0x0x0x0x0xx0"

At first, i read what i wanted - with my EGO filtering her words and message. My previous inclination is to take things negatively, thereby striking a defensive posture. That's precisely what my friend's saying!

Once i'm able to be in the moment, step away from my EGO and PAIN BODY...to be present (BE HERE NOW) - amazingly i hear without prejudice, w/o agenda and feel no defensiveness. Ha! this is acceptance!!!

This takes awareness that i am slowing learning to recognize - when i'm identifying with whatever's making me 'lose it' - that's when i leave the present and am either in yesterday or tomorrow. Either place is unreal.

Awareness, acceptance and then action. Recovery tools i first heard waaay back in '88 in Alanon.

Why has it taken 21 years to learn this tool?

So - my question and challenge is this:

HOW DO I SEE 'HER' IN A LOVING FASHION?

Ideas, thoughts, experiences, suggestions are most and always welcome!!

InJoy!

What has Love got to do with it??

What is Love? Just a new-fangled emotion...i hear Tina Turner!

Ok...what IS love? And how does our definition change with age, experiences, situations, needs & wants, maturity???

What's the difference between lust and love? Pure sexual tension and love? Can you have one w/o the other?

Can our past memories keep us in love? Or do we love because of our past memories?

How do you terminate love? What is unrequited love??

Am i only fooling myself when i think i have control over this emotion? Can it be controlled by sheer willpower?

More thoughts soon...

To Blog...or Not to Blog...That is the Question

I've always enjoyed writing down my thoughts. Journaling's been a blessing the past 7 years since my divorce. But 'blogging' - that's a whole new and different way to express myself.

For instance, i wanted to share this new adventure with my FB friendly family - however, i'm not certain how my son will feel about my 'exposing' him and his life-challenges right now. It brings up the questions/issues of anonymity and exposure.

Where do i draw the line on what's mine to share and ??? Since anyone can read this - there's no filter as there is with Facebook, that's a consideration. Am i thinking censorship here?

What do YOU think? What's fair to publish and what's not??

Can today's kids survive life's blows?

I wonder about whether or not today's kids can take life's blows? Or have they been so insulated and protected that when consequence hit - little things collectively can become tsunamis.

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For example, it begins simply enough with our son's car problems. In this case it's a water pump that's going out. Of course - it goes out on a Friday and the soonest the repairs can begin is Monday. So he begins a weekend w/o wheels and since his phone charger's at his brand new residence - IN SAN JOSE = AN HOUR AWAY - he now has no life as well cuz he has no cell battery left & his friends don't know any other # for him. Bummer. He says "I feel like such a loser." And here i thought we were going to have some old-fashioned quality mom & son bonding time.

Oh well - - no worries - mom's place is available to camp out over the weekend & thank God Bella, my son's dog's the greatest and best behaved dog in the world cuz she's 90 lbs and mom's place is a little 3 bdrm townhome w/o a backyard. You can see pictures of Bella on my Facebook page - she's the cute 90# mastiff/pitt bull/shepherd mix looking out of Stacey's rearview mirror.

Ok, so our son manages to get thru the weekend & bright and early this morning, he manages to drive his injured car to the 2nd repair facility on his list - the first one wanting waaay more $ than he has and they promise him he'll have his car by 4pm today. Ahhh, he can practically taste his freedom and independence returning!

However, it's not long before things begin to go awry. The repair facility calls and says the price just went up $200+ to cover the cost of a new water pump @ their cost. Oops, a little misunderstanding - our son thought they were going to use his old one. (((???)))

Next, the same repair place that quoted him such a fair price - altho' he can't really afford even this - now calls and says it's not only a water pump, but blah, blah, blah ....and it's going to cost closer to $1500...a sum that might as well be $15,000 for all the money he doesn't have.

But - wait - that's not it. In the mail comes a photo-ticket for running a red light!!! Oh yes! And from what i hear that's going to set him back about $475.00 if he doesn't go to court to get it reduced.

OMG. Poor kiddo - his response to all of this - I think i'll go lie down and maybe all of this will just go away. Of course it doesn't and with a little help from his sister - like driving him all the way to San Jose to get some basic necessities - it looks like he's going to be spending more time than originally anticipated at mom's.

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So, i ask again, can today's kids survive life's blows given the economy and downsizing and reduced hours and, and, and.....??? Were things really all that much different when i was growing up?

I guess i had to figure things out for myself b/c there was no magic answer or anyone i knew that had it better than me that was willing to bail me out. So...i learned to suck it up and be a good little narcissistic co-dependent until that too failed me. Then it was therapy for the next 2 decades healing from those choices.

Do I owe it to our son to help him out? Is it about money or enabling or even about love???

This is where it gets sticky. Luckily i've had enough 'help' to not DO anything. Somehow, somewhere though i'm going to have to figure out what i'm willing to do and what i'm not. That's the sticky part.

Welcome to my first entry in my new blog. I welcome your feedback, thoughts, experiences, suggestions, or as we say in recovery "Experience, Strength & Hope."

Stay tuned!