FAST FORWARD 4 YEARS...time marches on!

Wow - really? 4 years??!! Yes, 4 years since i've blogged, putting virtual pen to virtual paper and laying down my thoughts. Why does it take 4 years to 'get' it? I read my last post and up until July 2014 - i was still in the same toxic relationship that Brad was talking about.  4 YEARS!!!!! And i call myself reasonably sane.  Craaazy!
And then today i read a blog by Shellie Couch wherein partly she posts  "We connect to others, in a real and meaningful way, when we allow others to see our light in its full glory and it is reciprocated by the other person also allowing us to see their light in all its magnificence." & I get it!!!
http://www.practicelivingjoy.com/2014/10/letting-my-light-shine.html

Just last Monday i met a new 'possibility' and yes, i attempted to shine as brightly as i could, as i thought HE might like to see.  At 64 years young, I am better, i don't think i'm desperate, insecure, needy any longer ... still there's that tiniest desire for approval...is this a bad thing? It's not approval-seeking like it was ... just maybe a desire to connect.
Anyway, he acted as if he approved and said by text he was 'impressed' and then nothing.  Silence.  After 24 hours i spotted him back online & I queried - you okay? what happened?? He said we were more 'friends' than perspective 'lovers' and he was continuing his search.  Of course i felt let down. I was thinking there could be something here...perhaps with a little time, there seemed to be so much promise. There i go, trying to make lemonade ...did he see my light? Or was he busy flying down life's freeway in his 'Vette watching everyone looking at him?
So - with this new inSIGHT, new vision, a cleaner, clearer vision of shining MY light in its full glory --i'm gonna relax, sit back, let my light shine bright and BE ME.  I'm not going to pretzel and/or manipulate - i'm NOT going to waste 4 more years!!!
XO

Double dating...at 59?

What you are calling cheating, a high schooler might call double dating, or dating two women at the same time. He *told* you he wanted a girlfriend, not a shared life. And you gave him permission. By agreeing to see him, by accepting his invitations, you gave your permission for him to remain uncommitted and free to see others. You might have changed your mind since he told you, but he hasn't been acting as if you had changed your permission.

Wow - Ouch!! Well, if that doesn't describe what my past 3 years have been with AC! Thanks Brad.

Why is this so hard for me to come up with in the first place? Why don't i see it, accept it and STOP IT??? before wasting so many years on something that's never going to change??

No Drama - No Blog

It's weird but in my case where there's serenity, peace, joy, and an absence of drama, chaos and confusion - there's no blogging.

My latest growth spurt has been around releasing relationships that don't contribute to my life. This is true in personal ones as well as employment-related. If it doesn't bring something into my life - i'm re-evaluating it's value.

This is no small feat and comes with a lot of hard work, effort and determination - but the rewards are worth it.

So - 2010 is going to be a year of loss - loss of old relationships that no longer fit and hopefully loss of job which has resulted in a couple of years of loss of self-esteem and respect.

What are YOUR 2010 New Year's resolutions?

Blessings!

Happy Giving Thanks

Yes, i have been gone for a long time. I didn't mean to leave - it just happens. Yes, that's what life is all about. It just happens. Never mind that i will tell you i don't like change...and I DON'T...life happens and change is life-giving. Did i say that? change is life-giving? well, just look at what happens after 9 months? that change is certainly life "giving." And beautiful.

Ok...so what's new? Wellll, EVERYTHING. I'm happier and more content and self-satisfied than ever before. Why? What happened? I lost a lot of weight - well, ok...10% of my body weight is gone '-) And all w/o joining or paying someone to help me do it. ((^_^)) It was time. And let me tell you just how HAPPY and DELIGHTED i am with this change! Oh yeah!

The Universe (which i prefer to call God)is bringing such amazing things into my life - changing it too. Remember work and all the Perils of Poor Pauline (that's me) - well that's CHANGED too. Oh yeh, for the good. It's as though L & J have lost their power over me, along with the lost weight, i've GAINED self-esteem. Who would have thought that possible?? So, when i'm happy with me, i'm happy with you too...or at least i can accept you and go on with my life.

There are fabulous web sites and bloggers out there in cyberland that lift me up and make my heart smile. I love http://tinybuddha.com and Lori Deschene.

So - change a word i feared and ran from, in spite of the fact that it happens anyway ... is reason for celebration and hope and unspoken promises.

Seize the day and change your life!

So many thoughts are swirling around in my head. September was a month of huge growth. I chuckle a little as i re-view last month. I am becoming stronger by accepting my weakness. Humility. Hard stuff to experience...for me, anyway.

I've spent a life figuratively putting my dukes up. It doesn't work any longer. Times have changed or people, society, morals, values, whatever, but defending, even logically, no longer works for me. It doesn't mean i'm not right - in my humble opinion, anyway ((^_~)). But no one cares that i'm right. It gets me worse than nowhere - it gets me ridiculed, mocked, rebuked, disconnected, hurt, laughed at, and belitted.

That's what happened last month. I found myself in a situation where i was right and everyone else was wrong. I attempted to prove/defend my honor only to find out - no one cared. No One. I didn't have one protector/defender/advocate other than my Self. A very alarming, cold-water-in-the-face, better-wake-up-and-smell-the-coffee awareness. Well - that's exactly what i did. After feeling my hurts, licking my wounds, and accepting my reality i began to look at life, not as i want it to be but as it pretty much IS. Ok...i'm going to figure this out before i die so what do i need to do to not just survive but to thrive - to remain the indelible, enthusiastic, happy, joy-filled being that i've come to love as me while surviving the abuse that comes with these times, economically motivated, whatever the causes!
Hence --- humility. Getting to love the word "OK".

Here's a poem that i hold close to my heart. Enjoy!

GOODBYE


"Comes the Dawn"

After awhile you learn the subtle difference
Between holding a hand and chaining a soul,
And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning
And company doesn't mean security,
And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts
And presents aren't promises,
And you begin to accept your defeats
With your head up and your eyes open,
And learn to build all your roads
On today because tomorrow's ground
Is too uncertain for plans, and futures have
A way of falling down in mid-flight.
After awhile you learn that even sunshine
Burns if you get too much.
So you plant your own garden and decorate
Your own soul, instead of waiting
For someone to bring you flowers.
And you learn that you really can endure...
that you really are strong
And you really do have worth.
And you learn and learn.. .
With every goodbye you learn.

-- Veronica Shoffstall

What YOU Think of Me is None of My Business

A week ago i was felled mightily and hard by what others think of me and their opinions of me. I know, i know - "What others think of me is none of my business." But SERIOUSLY, how can i get this recovery slogan through my head to my heart? How can i understand what this means? I've tried, really i have. Still, what others think of me DOES influence what i think of myself. Is this OK??

I am a recovery narcissist. This is not a fun dis-ease. This affliction is just as slippery as any of the other isms out there.

For instance, how do "normal" people know they are, well - normal? How do they develop an opinion of themselves if it's not by gathering information from others? Specifically mom and dad, about the age of toddlerhood. Isn't it mom's and dad's role to mirror for their child so the child has some idea of who they are - well before entering the social circus of grade school with all of it's hoops and rings.

And what if I didn't get that when i was supposed to? How do i get that now? How does self-esteem develop and grow? And...what's a reality check if it's not comparing our insides with others' insides? Or is it normal to think what I think and be secure in the knowledge it doesn't have to be ok with anyone else? This is very slippery stuff. Especially trying to put it into words.

I ponder...wonder...WHAT WOULD MY LIFE BE LIKE IF I TRULY UNDERSTOOD WHAT IT MEANS AND LIVED THE PHILOSOPHY OF "WHAT YOU THINK OF ME IS NONE OF MY BUSINESS."

YOUR THOUGHTS....

Slump...painful but not bottomless

PAIN IS INEVITABLE
SUFFERING IS OPTIONAL

Love that quote! I have been in pain since Monday. I refuse to wallow in it. I refuse to suffer. The trick is how NOT to.

I'm reading LIVING WELL EMOTIONALLY - Break Through to a Life of Happiness by Montel Williams. Pg. 100:

Four Tips to Trigger the Upward Spiral of Positive Emotions:
1 Find positive meaning in adversity.
2 Find positive meaning in ordinary events (this one's best for me)
3 Find positive meaning in compassionately helping others
4 Find positive meaning by feeling gratitude for simple things (yes!)

hugs and blessings around!!